Accomplice of Sorrow
by Salazar Marvolo
Summary: Shinji and Ichigo have been together for 8 months. But Ichigo is still unwilling to take their relationship to the next level. How far is Shinji willing to go to reveal Ichigos secret? And what is the dark secret Ichigo is hiding? Read and find out. Rated M for dark topics. More warnings inside.


Warning: Contains Rape, and some other dark topics. Don't like, don't read.

 **Accomplice of Sorrow**

It was a normal afternoon in Soul Society. Aizen had been defeated months ago. The former Vizards had filled in the vacant Captain seats and Ichigo had been appointed Vice Captain of the fifth division. After he had defeated Aizen his Spiritual Pressure had risen to unforeseen heights and he had been unable to remain in the world of the living, not ready to abandon their hero, Soul Society had taken him in. Ichigo was currently on his way to the sixth division barracks to hand in some paperwork. He and Shinji had grown closer and closer over time. It came as no surprise when they announced their relationship to the public. Even though this was against the work ethics of Soul Society, the old man had been willing to overlook this small breach as long as they did their work and remained professional. Ichigo was happy. He had a boyfriend and was surrounded by the people he loved, his work was fulfilling, besides the gruesome paperwork, and today was his and Shinjis eight-month anniversary. Sure, it wasn't something special, but it would be the first time in a few weeks that both of them had the evening off and could spend time together outside of work.

"Ichigo!" He suddenly heard behind him. As Ichigo turned around he was greeted by Shinji walking towards him with his trademark smile on his face. "Captain Hirako." Ichigo greeted. He tried to remain professional during working hours, to his exasperation Shinji had no such qualms. "Aww come on Ichi. Ya have no problem calling me Shinji at home and here I feel like I'm a stranger!" Shinji whined. Ichigo scoffed at his fake hurt. "You know very well, dear Captain, that we have to keep up the pretense of professionalism, at least during work. Is that too much to ask?" Ichigo said slightly annoyed. "YES!" was the immediate answer.

"Captain, I have to get going. The sixth division is waiting for these papers." Ichigo said with a vein ticking on his forehead. Shinji looked down, frowning and sulking a little. With a sigh Ichigo quickly leaned over and pecked him on the cheek. "Until tonight okay?" He said with a soft smile and ran off in the direction of the sixth division barracks.

Shinji looked after him. Seeing his back retreat in the direction of the sixth he heaved a sigh and leaned against one of the walls. "Yare, yare what's up with you today Shinji?" He heard a voice to the left and saw Kyoraku, Ukitake and to his surprise Urahara walking towards him. "Kisuke what are you doing here?" He blurted out before he could stop himself. Kisuke grinned and pulled out one of his many paper fans. "Ahh you see the twelfth division needed some help and as the founder I couldn't just leave them to their own devices, now could I?" he said with a happy grin while waving his fan. "Are you trying to tell me that Kurotsuchi asked you for help? Out of his own free will?" Shinji said disbelievingly. "You hurt me Shinji. It almost sounds as if you believe there is anyone on this planet that could honestly despise me." Kisuke said mock hurt in his voice. Shinji looked at him extremely unimpressed. "I can not and will not start counting the people that hate you Kisuke. This would take days." He said dryly. Kyouraku laughed. "Well that aside. We were just on our way to go drinking. Wanna join?" He asked with a grin while tipping his hat up. "Well I actually have plans tonight…" Shinji said. "Ohh got plans with our favorite Strawberry?" Kyoraku grinned and wiggled his eyebrows in a suggestive way. Shinji rolled his eyes. "Yes, but it ain't what you think." Kyoraku tilted his head. "Sure it isn't." he said still grinning and not believing Shinji at all.

Truth of the matter was that Ichigo and him hadn't had done anything yet. Like literally nothing. They kissed sometimes, but Ichigo blocked everything else. Shinji knew that Ichigo wanted to take things slow, he had said as much, and Shinji was okay with that at first. But it's been eight months now. And Shinji really wasn't okay with it anymore. He felt like a pervert and maybe he was, but aren't eight months long enough? He didn't even want to have sex, but up until now he hadn't even seen Ichigo shirtless besides when he was training. He had tried to take of his Shirt once but Ichigo had shut that down so fast he couldn't even process it in the time it happened. And while he was okay with waiting, he did wonder if Ichigo was ever going to be ready for anything remotely physical. He had tried to talk to Ichigo, but his strawberry seemed entirely unwilling to broach the topic. Shinji knew that Ichigo was more open with him than most people, but he kept his secrets, making Shinji feel like he was being shut out.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up, Ukitakes face was in front of him, he looked a little concerned. Apparently, he had sighed a few times to many while being lost in thought. "Are you okay Shinji?" Ukitake asked. Kisuke and Kyoraku also looked quite concerned. "Yeah, yeah nothing to worry about." He said waving away their worries. This didn't do much. He didn't think it would, after all he was surrounded by some of the most intelligent men in Soul Society. "How about this! We grab a few drinks, you loosen up a little and tell us the problem! And don't worry you still have hours left until you have to get to your strawberry!" Kyoraku said happily, pulling out a sake bottle from god knows where. "You just want to start drinking already." Shinji said, but went along with them anyways. He didn't feel like sharing such a personal part of his and Ichigos relationship with anybody, but those were some of his most trusted friends, and they sure as hell could keep a secret if need be.

The afternoon progressed and all of them had already taken in a considerable amount of sake. A feat he knew they had to thank Kyoraku for, refilling their cups faster than they could drink. Shinji had avoided the topic up until now, sure his friends had probed around a little, but his sober mind had told him that he should, first and foremost, talk to Ichigo about this, even if Ichigo kept avoiding it. Right now though, was an entirely different story, he wasn't tipsy anymore, he was full on drunk. While the others remained on the verge of being tipsy, Shinji had decided to take the opportunity and drown his problems in sake. He didn't care anymore. He needed to know what he should do about Ichigo.

"Maan guys, I- I just don't know what to do anymore -hic- it's been eight months already. And I…I mean is this my fault? Am I pushing him? -hic-. " Shinji kept on babbling. "Slow down a little Shinji." Ukitake said with concern, taking his sake cup from him and replacing it with a water bottle. "What are you going on about?" Kyorkau asked, slightly red around the nose and a smile on his face, his hat abandoned next to him. "It's, it's just you know- He said he wanted to take it slow. Fi-Fine by me really, but eight months and I c-can't even take of his shirt without him sh-shutting me down. And he doesn't even tell me everything. He has all th-those secrets, I think, and I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't wa-wanna talk to me about it. He doesn't wanna tell me why he won't let me t-touch him even a little. Isn't that unfair? Or am-am I wrong?" Shinji said, head placed on the table and babbling on and on. He didn't even notice Kyoraku's raised eyebrows and him sharing looks with Ukitake and Kisuke. "Is that why you were mopping around before? Because Ichigo ain't letting you get any?" Kyoraku asked amusedly. "It ain't funny!" Shinji said with a glare. He was drunk, not stupid, he knew when he was made fun of. "Makes me feel like a freakin- freakin pervert or something- I mean, am I wrong? Is he- doesn't he ever want that. He's a teenager sh-shouldn't he be totally eager or something…? And then he doesn't even wanna talk about it- I-I mean every time I try he just ch-changes topic or says he has to g-go somewhere. He's shutting me out you know…not telling me things…" Shinji trailed of, suddenly he grew very pale, even tearing up a little, raising his head to look at his friends he sniffled. "Do-Do you think he doesn't love me anymore?" He looked absolutely devastated. "No! Shinji, please of course Ichigo loves you." Kisuke was fast to console him. "Maybe he is just really shy, you know how he is." Kisuke said, looking up at the other two helplessly when Shinji continued to stare at the table with a broken look on his face. "Maybe you should just ask him again, tell him that he can't keep avoiding you." Ukitake said kindly. "I am sure Ichigo has his reasons not to move too fast in your relationship." Shinji looked up. "You-You mean it?" He asked. "Sure, but probably not right now...Speaking about…. didn't you have plans with Ichigo?" Ukitake asked. "Ohh Damn it!" Shinji yelled, sobering up a little. "He's going to kill me! We've been so busy lately and he was really looking forward to this. I-I got to go guys see you later!" With that he vanished into the night. "Well it's still early. I am sure it's going to be fine." Kyoraku said, feeling bad for dragging Shinji with them when he had plans.

Shinji arrived, panting and heaving, outside Ichigos apartment. He raised his fist and knocked. The door opened and Ichigo stood in front of him, wearing a black tight-fitting T-Shirt and trousers. He was uncomfortable wearing Yukata and had opted to wear real world clothes when he was at home. But the thing that really caught his attention was Ichigos face, he was frowning at him. Gulping and shuffling his feet Shinji looked at the ground guiltily. "Sorry. I-I really forgot the time, Kisuke came by to visit and he and Kyoraku and Ukitake took me with them." He heard a sigh and when he looked up he saw Ichigo sporting a crooked smile. "It's okay, I guess. Don't make it a habit! I don't appreciate being forgotten." Ichigo said, thinning his lips like he always did when he was angry at something. "Understood! Thank you!" Shinji said happily, pecking Ichigos cheek. "Have you been drinking?" Ichigo asked amusedly. "Uhh well…yeah." Ichigo laughed. "You smell like it, man it stinks." Ichigo said wrinkling his nose. Shinji stepped inside and closed the door. "I can make you get used to the taste." He said with a grin.

His drinking had made him bolder, he pushed Ichigo a little and trapped him at the wall, pinning him there with his body and kissing him deeply. He traced his tongue over Ichigos lips. Ichigo kissed back at first, this wasn't the first time they had made out, but suddenly Shinji placed his hands on his hips and moved them upwards, making Ichigo gasp into the kiss. Shinji quickly thrusted his tongue in, deepening the kiss and mapping out the insides of Ichigos mouth. Shinji pushed his hips forward, slipping his legs between Ichigos thighs while at the same time ripping his T-Shirt away and eagerly gliding his hands over Ichigos abs and torso. "Wai-Wait Shinji! Sto-Ahh!" Shinji quickly caught one of Ichigos Nipples between his fingers and started rubbing. "Shinji-just wa-Mmmnn." Ichigo was shut up by Shinjis tongue again thrusting into his mouth. He tried to push him away but in his drunken stupor Shinji simply took Ichigos wrists into his hand and pinned them above his head on the wall, using Kido to keep them there. He continued his ministrations. "I just wanna touch you for a little bit." He whispered into Ichigos ear kissing his jawline and softly caressing Ichigos sides. Sliding his hands up and down soothingly. He nuzzled Ichigos neck and pressing butterfly kisses on his shoulder.

"Please…stop." Ichigo whimpered, this was too much for him. The memories from what had happened all those years ago came crashing into him. Everything reminded him of that time now. Every touch, every caress. He couldn't distinguish between past and present anymore. Shinji didn't even notice anything changing in Ichigos voice. Ichigo was standing there, pinned at the wall, hands above his head and bound with Kido, tears streaming down his face. Ichigos fighting instinct finally kicked in, he was strong, he could fight back. He started to struggle again when Shinji started to open the top button of his trousers. Shinji finally noticed that Ichigo was struggling against him, definitely not giving him consens for this. He leaned his head back and finally took in Ichigos appearance. He saw the tears on his face and immediately broke the Kido. "Fuck Ichigo, fuck no- I didn't want this. Please Ichigo. I am so-"Ichigo stopped him here. He drew back his hand and slapped Shinji so hard across the face his head snapped to the side, through the force he lost his footing and tumbled to the floor. Looking up like he was just waking from a dream. Ichigo stood in front of him T-Shirt all ripped. Due to him. Panting wildly. Due to him. His wrists all red from the Kido. Due to him. And tears streaming down his face...Due to him. "Ohh god…what Ichigo…Not I didn't mean-" "Shut the fuck up!" Ichigo yelled, tears still streaming down his face. With that he turned around and ran out of the door and into the night. Shinji remained sitting down, his cheek pulsing and a burning feeling in his lungs. "What have…What have I done?" He asked into nowhere. He stared at the spot Ichigo had been in only seconds ago. "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE?!" He screamed. Tears ascending down his face as he slid down the wall and stayed there.

Ichigo was running through the night. He didn't know where he was going, the tears on his face were drying as quickly as they were falling down his face. He ran past a few people without really caring or looking. He was sobbing uncontrollably. He just had to get away. Get away from everybody, from everything. The memories were slowly closing in on him. It had been so long ago since he last had a flashback, since he last had been reminded of that day.

Kyoraku, Ukitake and Kisuke had just left the bar all of them had been drinking in before, they were quite sober again and were talking to each other happily. The street was empty, they were walking straight when they heard hurried steps and sobbing coming from one of the side streets. Rounding the corner in front of them in an incredibly fast pace was Ichigo. Kyoraku had just risen his hand to call out a greeting when Ichigo simply ran right past them. Not even looking back. "Was he crying?" Ukitake asked wide eyed. "I think so…" Kisuke said concerned, they looked at each other and quickly followed him.

Ichigo had finally figured out where he was going. Sougyoku Hill. The place he had rescued Rukia from. It held both good and bad memories for him. He fastened his pace, switching to Shunpo at times to reach the top even faster. When he finally arrived, he slumped down against the remains of the executioners plateau he had destroyed so long ago. He pulled his knees up and buried his head between his legs. His breathing came in irregular intervals and he was close to hyperventilating while at the same time sobbing out his broken heart. Shinji. The one person he had trusted the most. How? How could he do something like that?

His head snapped to the side when he felt another spiritual pressure arrive at the hill, and not just one there were three of them. He narrowed his eyes a little to better see in the dead of night. "Ichigo?" He heard a familiar voice call. "It's me Kisuke." His eyes adjusted, and he saw Urahara, Kyoraku and Ukitake standing at the top of the hill, seemingly looking for him. He wiped his eyes and stood up, his motion alerting them to his exact location. "What are you doing here?" Ichigo asked, keeping his voice carefully empty. "We saw you running through the streets." Urahara said hesitantly. He was the one who knew Ichigo the best. He had been his teacher. He had been the one the kid had come to when he didn't know what to do. Hell, Ichigo had even asked him for help when he didn't know how to confess his feelings to Shinji. He knew Ichigo saw him as a surrogate Father, and he was more than happy to call Ichigo his surrogate son. But he had never seen Ichigo like this. He had never seen him cry.

"Ichigo…Are you okay?" He asked softly, using the same voice he used when he calmed Ururu after a nightmare. In the next instance he found himself with a sobbing Ichigo wrapped around his neck. Clinging to him with all his power. A little perplex at first, he was quick to wrap his arms around Ichigo, noticing his ripped-up shirt. "Come on, how about we go somewhere else?" He asked in a soothing voice when Ichigo calmed down a little. Ichigo nodded slightly, still holding onto Urahara. Kyoraku and Ukitake had remained carefully quiet. They didn't know what to do. They knew Ichigo. But they weren't his close friends. They only knew him as a strong warrior, defeating his enemy's and always putting the lives of others over his own. "We can go to my cottage." Ukitake said softly. Urahara nodded his thanks and they headed of. Ichigo was quite during the trip, he was still holding onto Uraharas sleeve, like a child that was scared of getting separated from its parent. When they arrived they sat down around a small table. Ukitake scurried of to make some tea. Kyoraku and Urahara where finally able to take in Ichigos appearance. His shirt was ripped open at the front, his wrists were all red and tear tracks were marking his cheeks. But the worst things were his eyes. His eyes, that were always swirling with kindness, strength and an inextinguishable fire, were now completely void. Their dullness boring into the tabletop unseeingly.

"What happened to you Ichigo?" Urahara asked concern written all over his face. Kyoraku noticed a shiver running down Ichigos body, taking pity on him he slipped out of his beloved Kimono and wrapped it around Ichigos shoulders, completely drowning him in the, for him oversized, material. Ichigo looked up at the sudden warmth surrounding him and looked at the bright cloth covering him confusedly. He looked up at Kyoraku when he finally connected the dots. "Thank you." He said softly. Kyoraku nodded. "What happened?" he asked. Ichigo looked at them, Ukitake came in and sat down at the table, passing around tea. He passed one to Ichigo, who held onto the cup with both hands and stared into it.

"Shinji happened." Ichigo finally said. They looked at Ichigo shocked. "Shinji did this?" Urahara asked. Ichigo only nodded. "I can't believe that…Why would he? Ohh no…" Urahara asked confusedly, but quickly understanding Shinjis drunken intentions. Shinji had in his drunkenness made a move on Ichigo, thinking he simply needed to push Ichigos limits to get Ichigo to open up. "How could you be that stupid…" Urahara mumbled under his breath. "Do you know...? Do you know why he pushed me like this?" Ichigo asked, looking into their faces. They looked at each other. Urahara heaved a sigh and told Ichigo about Shinjis drunken outburst. Ichigo looked down at the table. "This is all my fault." He said softly. "What? No, it isn't!" Ukitake immediately said. "Yes, Shinji was frustrated, but he should never have done that." Ichigo looked at him and shook his head a little. "I kept him at arm's length, I didn't open up to him. I refused every single one of his advances. He even tried to talk to me about it a few times. But I didn't listen! Fuck, eight months I freaking avoided it…I should have known this would come to destroy something I love again! I should have freaking known! I was simply too afraid to tell him…. Fuck I'm a coward, aren't I?" He asked nobody in particular. They all looked a little startled at his outburst.

"Ichigo, what is this all about?" Urahara asked looking at Ichigo with concern and confusion. "I-I would tell you Hat'n'Clogs. But Shinji needs to be the first person to know." Ichigo said, the old flame reawakening in his eyes. "What are you going to do about Shinji?" Ukitake asked. "Isn't that obvious?" Ichigo asked back with a soft look on his face. "I am going to forgive him." He said simply, smiling slightly. "You are what?" They all burst out at the same time. "Ichigo he did something like that to you! You can't just forgive him!" Urahara said disbelievingly. "Yes, I can. First of all, he was drunk. He didn't mean it, and he would have never even considered doing this if he was sober. Secondly, it's my own fault for avoiding him and shutting him out like that. Thirdly…thirdly he is already beating himself up more about this then I ever could, and I already slapped him. And last of all...I love him. Not forgiving him is not only punishment for him but also for myself." They all stared at Ichigo after that little speech. Urahara sighed deeply. "If you are sure. But Ichigo if he ever pulls a stunt like that again…It won't matter if you forgive him or not, I will have him castrated before you can even consider forgiving him." Ichigo nodded and smiled at Urahara. "Thanks." He said softly. "You can stay here tonight Ichigo. It's too late to go home and you look like you could do with a few hours of sleep." Ukitake said kindly. "Thank you. I guess that is a good idea."

Time skip.

It's been weeks. He hadn't seen Ichigo in weeks. He didn't even know how that was possible, they were still captain and lieutenant, but Ichigo hadn't come to their office once. Yet his work was always done, he did everything Shinji could have asked him to do, but he never showed his face. Shinji was losing his ground. He couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat, he couldn't concentrate on his work. He spent his nights sitting in the dark hating himself and crying his heart out. He wanted to see Ichigo, he needed to apologize, even if it was too late for that. He knew Ichigo hated him. He had to. Ichigo was a forgiving person, but not this time, Shinji was sure, this time he had lost the one person he loved the most forever.

It was only a matter of time until Ichigo requested to be put into another division. Shinji sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. He was sitting inside his apartment staring at the wall. His face was pale, and he had dark circles under his bloodshot eyes. He was sure he had lost a few pounds. His hair was a mess and he was wearing an old yukata that was hanging off one of his shoulders in an unkept way. He had told one of his division members to simply bring his work to his home after it had become obvious that Ichigo was not going to show up with him there. The least he could do was make it easier on Ichigo to avoid him. If Ichigo was willing to ever look at his face, or at least listen to his words again, he was going to apologize. But he wasn't going to push Ichigos boundaries ever again.

His musing was interrupted by a knock on his door. Dragging his feet, he didn't even try to make himself look presentable. If someone came over to see him, their fault if they saw something they didn't like. He opened the door and was met with Kyoraku, Ukitake and once again Kisuke. They were all looking at him with various degrees of surprise and shock. "You look like shit." Kyoraku said bluntly, not one to waste pretty words on males. "What do you want?" Shinji asked, voice thick from crying and disuse. Ukitake looked at him with pity. Urahara also couldn't keep up the grim face he wanted to confront Shinji with. They had all planned on this meeting to give Shinji a piece of their mind. It had taken weeks, because the old man wasn't a fan of inter world travel and wouldn't allow Kisuke to visit Soul Society again on short notice.

"We came to tell you, that you are a piece of shit that doesn't deserve to be loved by someone like Ichigo." Kyoraku said, without any real bite. Shinji only smiled slightly with a pained expression. "Something I am already quite aware of and something that is no longer the case." They looked at him confusedly. "No longer the case?" Urahara asked. "I haven't seen Ichigo in weeks. He is avoiding me. Not like I blame him. I hate myself too." Shinji whispered brokenly. "He hasn't spoken to you?" Urahara asked. Shinji looked at him. "I guess you guys know everything?" They all nodded. "We found Ichigo after…you know…And we could guess what happened from his appearance." Ukitake said. "No, he hasn't spoken to me…Why would he? I'm a piece of garbage. I went and pushed him like that. I-I- "Shinji was tearing up again. "I wish I could apologize. I know he doesn't wanna see me. Fuck I can't go on like this."

Tears were once again streaming down his face and he broke down against one of the walls in his hallway, sliding down until he was sitting on the ground crying his heart out into his hands. "Y-You G-Guys s-should g-go-. "Was all he could say before he slammed the door into their faces. They stood outside of Shinjis apartment in silence. "I guess Ichigo was right." Kyoraku said, breaking the quietness. Ukitake looked at him a question in his eyes. "He is beating himself up more about this then Ichigo ever could." Urahara only pulled his hat a little deeper into his face, clouding his eyes in shadows. "We should pay Ichigo a visit." Kyoraku said grimly. He didn't notice Ukitakes slightly hesitant nod.

They quickly arrived outside of Ichigos apartment, Kyoraku knocked swiftly. It took a few minutes, but the door finally opened, the sigh that greeted them gave them a sense of déjà vu. Ichigo stood in front of them. His hair was unkept, his eyes were bloodshot, and he looked like he had been recently crying. His skin was pale, and he seemed thinner than normal. He looked at them a little surprised. "What are you guys doing here?" he asked. "We just visited Shinji." Urahara said, getting over his shock.

Ichigo looked up a little hopefully. "…How…Is he okay?" He asked. "He looks like shit. By the way, so do you." Kyoraku said mercilessly. "Why haven't you spoken to him yet?" Kyoraku asked. Ichigo looked up, addressing Ukitake and speaking in a surprised and slightly suspicious voice. "But you said that Shinji was going to come speak to me when he has forgiven himself. You told me...You said you spoke to him and that this was Shinjis decision." Ukitake looked down guiltily. Kyoraku looked at his friend. "What have you done?" He asked him. "I-I simply thought that Shinji needed some time getting his head straight before Ichigo talks to him. So, I told Ichigo when he woke up at my house that I already spoke to Shinji…and that Shinji said he needed some time alone to forgive himself what he had done, and to evaluate what he wants from his relationship with Ichigo. I-I am so sorry Kurosaki-kun! I thought this would do both of you- "

"Are you telling me that I spent the last weeks crying and missing my lover, because of what you thought would be the best for us?!" Ichigo asked disbelievingly. "And Shinji? What did you tell him?" Ukitake looked down. "I didn't speak to him." Ichigo stared at him wide eyed. "So, Shinji has spent the last few weeks thinking…I am avoiding him? Thinking I hate him? Fuck this is worse than telling him some bullshit lie about me needing some time away from him!" Ichigo was livid. And he wasn't the only one, Kyoraku was glaring at his best friend and Urahara looked like he was plotting a very painful death.

"I have to see him." Ichigo said immediately. He dashed out of the door, using his fastest Shunpo and reaching Shinjis place in seconds. He knocked on the door loudly. "What is it now? I already told y-." Shinji broke of when he saw Ichigo standing in his door. They were both staring at one another taking in their disheveled looks. Ichigo was the first to break the silence. "May I come in?" he asked a little hesitantly. Shinji nodded quickly and took a stumbling step back. "Careful." Ichigo called out and caught him at the elbow before he could fall. Shinji quickly took a few steps away from Ichigo.

Ichigo looked a little confused at this behavior but understood quickly. Shinji still thought he had been avoiding him for weeks, he thought Ichigo hated him. "Shinji these last few weeks…I didn't avoid you." Ichigo said. Shinji looked at him with confusion. "But-What are you saying? That doesn't-. "Ichigo walked towards him and placed a finger on his lips, silencing him. "I'll explain." He said softly. With that he recounted what had transpired after he had dashed out of the door and the lie Ukitake had fed him. Shinji went from looking confused at first to absolutely furious. But he calmed down quickly.

"So you…don't hate me?" He asked quietly. "Of course, I don't." Ichigo said, he walked over to Shinji and slowly wrapped his arms around him. "I love you Hirako Shinji. And that hasn't changed one bit in the last few weeks." Ichigo whispered looking deep into Shinjis eyes. "God Ichigo… I love you too. I love you. I am so sorry. Please, please forgive me. Forgive me. I didn't mean it like that. I was drunk and stupid. I was so scared I had lost you forever Ichigo. I don't care if you don't want to have sex, I don't care if you have your secrets, you don't have to open up to me completely. But please, please don't leave me…." Shinji was weeping into his shoulder at the end of his speech. Ichigo also couldn't contain himself any longer. Everything came crashing down on him and he buried his face deep into Shinjis neck. "It's okay. I forgive you." He whispered again and again until both of them had calmed down enough. "But Shinji, I…I have to tell you something." Ichigo said hesitantly.

"What is it?" Shinji asked. "We should sit down. This might take a while." Ichigo answered. "Ichigo, what are you going to tell me?" Shinji asked. "I'll tell you why I didn't want to make our relationship more physical for all this time, and at the same time I'll tell you what I have been keeping a secret from everybody. I-I've never told anybody before…And I was scared…that you would hate me after I told you. But I can't keep running." Ichigo said, a determined glint in his eyes. "It all happened a few years ago, before I was dragged into Shinigami Business…"

* * *

 _(Flashback)_

A younger Ichigo is walking down the street, he had been visiting the place his mother died in every single day since her death. He was hoping to see her again. After all many people that died stuck around a little longer after their death, and they returned to the place they died at on most occasions. So maybe if he just waited long enough his mommy would return to him, was little Ichigos line of thought. He tightened the straps on his backpack and swiftly walked toward Karakura River. He sat down in the grass and waited. Hours passed like that and the sun was slowly setting, but he didn't want to take the chance to miss his mommy in case she returned. "Hey!" Little Ichigo suddenly heard behind him. He looked over his shoulder and saw his PE teacher from school walking towards him. He was an older man, in his mid-forties, he wore a pair of black rimmed glasses and was known to be very kind towards his students. "Good Evening Kurosaki-kun." The man said with a sunny smile and kneeled in front of him. "Good Evening." Ichigo said a little timidly. "I heard what happened to your Mommy." The man said sympathetically. "I am so sorry Kurosaki-kun. I am sure you and your family miss her a lot." Little Ichigo nodded and a few tears gathered in his eyes. "Well it is getting quite late. How about I drive you home?" Ichigo looked a little hesitant. "Daddy told me not to go with strangers." He said softly. The man laughed and nodded. "Your daddy is very right, you should not go with strangers. But I am not really a stranger, now am I?" He asked keeping his charming smile intact. "I guess not…" Little Ichigo said. "Also, I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you while you wander around town on your own." The man said, frowning slightly, pretending it was something he was really worried about. "So, what do you say? It will be much quicker than walking, and this old man will be able to sleep soundly tonight." Little Ichigo giggled at the man's antics. He nodded, and the man lead him away a hand on his shoulder.

 _(Flashback end)_

* * *

"You can guess what happened from there. He did take me home. A few hours later and with the threat not to tell anyone, less I want the pictures spread all around town." Ichigo finished his tale a little brokenly. Shinji stared at him. In a matter of seconds, he was next to Ichigo and wrapped him in his arms. Ichigo smiled sadly into his shoulder and buried his head in Shinjis chest, taking a few breaths to break away from the Memory still haunting him.

When Ichigo finally calmed down, Shinji spoke in a barely contained voice. "What happened to that bastard?" Ichigo looked down at his hands. "He died." Shinji looked at Ichigo, raising his eyebrow as if asking him a question. "In a car crash." Ichigo elaborated. "I had nothing to do with it." He said softly "Too bad, a car crash is way too good for that fucker. If he was still alive I would castrate him and feed him his own-." Ichigo stopped him.

"It's okay. I am mostly fine with it. He's dead. He can't touch me anymore. He can't do anything. I didn't want to go further with you because I was afraid I would have a panic attack. I didn't want to explain myself…I wasn't ready to talk about this with anyone. When you touched me back there, I remembered him…and all the things he did. I was disgusted by it…But there was a difference in your touch and the memory of his. With him it only felt wrong, but with you…I don't know…Now that you know what happened to me I think I'll be fine with your touch…as long as you stop when I tell you to. I didn't want to talk with you about this…I was afraid you thought I was disgusting…or weak." Ichigo finished a little quietly looking down at his hands. "I would never think that! You are one of the strongest people I know and the fact that you carry around something like that and still manage to remain like this…just proves that once again. I love you Ichigo. Nothing can change that, okay?" Shinji asked softly.

Ichigo nodded with tears in his eyes. "It's late." Shinji whispered. "We should go and get some sleep." Ichigo nodded again. He hesitantly got up and stood there a little indecisive. Shinji also got up and looked at him. "…Could you stay?" Shinji asked. Ichigo looked at him and smiled. "Thought you would never ask." He said with a grin. "We need a shower." Ichigo said looking down at both of them. Shinji smiled sheepishly. "You can go in first." He said. Ichigo nodded and smiled gratefully. At the door to the bathroom he stopped and turned around. "Wanna join me?" he blurted out. Shinji looked at him shocked and surprised. "Are-Are you sure?" he asked. Ichigo simply walked over, took Shinjis hand into his and pulled him into the bathroom.


End file.
